Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XXII, Year AD MCMXCVI
Monday, November 18th, 1996

1. How do you read CoN?
2. There's A Hole in the Space/Time Continuum
3. There is no Hope
4. Platonic Friendships: A foolproof guide

How do you read CoN?

by Suzanne Schumacher <salad@ridgecrest.ca.us>

Well, it's been three weeks (two issues have come out since my question was asked), which I feel left everyone, extremely lazy or not, plenty of time to respond to the original question of "How do you read CoN." My findings show that, in general, people don't, since one response came in. This one response was from Leandro himself, after I demanded "And where's your response on how you read CoN?"

So what do the studies show? One of two things (or maybe three or four, depending on how many possibilities I neglected to think up). The first possibility is this: the readers of CoN are a selected age group which is usually a bit lazy and puts things off until later until it is forgotten. This could be dubbed the TV generation, and I'd go further into it, except that psych major would probably chew me out in the next issue for not giving a good definition of "our" generation. The other possibility is this: nobody is actually reading this at all, and I'm sitting here and typing for my own amusement (or because leandro's sent me half a dozen Leandro smily faces =) following messages asking me when I'm going to get this article in).

At this point, I see no harm in revealing the two ways in which I've found CoN is read, if read at all. Leandro's way is the cut and paste method. As he himself puts it,

"It's not a matter of choice, it's because if I want to keep sending this crap out, I have to read what I am writing myself. So the 15 minutes I waste every Sunday night in cutting and pasting... gets about a good 80% of my reading."

And does he actually read what it is he so avidly cuts and pastes? To that he responded,

"it goes by what it's inside of it =)"

And how do I read CoN? (Yes, my response is the only other accurate data I've collected in this massive field project on the subject.) Well, yes, I'm one of the weirdoes that struggles through all of those as of late arguments that drag on and on and make me wonder why I'm wasting my time. Either I sit down and just read it, or else I let two or three issues build up, get a cup of tea, and sit there and read the last months worth in one fowl swoop.

This now concludes my study on how (or if) subscribers read CoN. I find it best to conclude with Leo's questions to me in answering how he reads it:

"The questions now are: why do we keep bothering with this stuff if no one reads it? I don't know. Do you know? No, because none of you people out there will even read this, so I'll just leave it to that."

(from an e-mail by "Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro" <leandro@ifront.com> to salad@ridgecrest.ca.us on Wed, 13 Nov 1996 at 22:46:55 his time)

(oh, sorry about the signature, i just added it and although some find it highly annoying, I'll leave it for a while longer)

I would to heaven that I were so much clay,
As I am blood, bone, marrow, passion feeling -
Because at least the past were passed away,
And for the future - (but I write this reeling,
Having got drunk exceedingly to-day,
So that I seem to stand upon the ceiling)
I say - the future is a serious matter -
And so - for God's sake - hock the soda-water!

-- Lord Byron

There's A Hole in the Space/Time Continuum

by Jason MacIsaac <jason@ifront.com>

There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum, dear Liza,
A hole.

Well, plug it
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
Well, plug it,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
Well, plug it, dear Henry,
Plug it.

With what should I plug it,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what should I plug it,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what should I plug it, dear Liza,
With what?

With a Klein sphere,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a Klein sphere,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a Klein sphere, dear Henry,
A Klein sphere.

With what should I power the Klein sphere,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what should I power the Klein sphere,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what should I power the Klein sphere, dear Liza,
With what?

With a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction, dear Henry.
A controlled matter/anti-matter reaction.

With what should I contain the anti-matter,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what should I contain the anti-matter,
Dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I contain the anti-matter, dear Liza,
With what? Hmm?

With a magnetic field,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a magnetic field,
Dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a magnetic field, dear Henry,
A magnetic field.

Okay, but...
With what should I control the reaction,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what should I control the reaction,
Dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I control the reaction, dear Liza,
With what?

With a quantum subharmonic energy-flux discriminator,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a quantum subharmonic energy-flux discriminator,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
With a quantum subharmonic energy-flux discriminator, dear
Henry,
With a quantum subharmonicwhat I just said.

Then,
Where shall I get the anti-matter,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
Where shall I get the anti-matter,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
Then where shall I get the anti-matter, dear Liza,
Where?

Oh God.
The rift at Ceti Alpha II,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
The rift at Ceti Alpha II,
Dear Henry, Dear Henry.
The rift at Ceti Alpha II, dear Henry,
The rift!

Okay, fine. But...
How shall I get to Ceti Alpha II,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
How shall I get to Ceti Alpha II,
Dear Liza, dear Liza?
How shall I get to Ceti Alpha II, dear Liza?
How?

Oh for Christ's sake, Gomer...
Take the SS Lexington,
Dear Henry, dear Gomer.
Take the SS Lexington,
Dear Henry, dear Gomer.
Take the fucking SS Lexington, dear Henry, Take it!

The SS Lexington was destroyed by the Krellan Empire,
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
The SS Lexington was destroyed by the Krellan Empire,
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
The SS Lexington was destroyed by the Krellan Empire, dear
Liza,
Destroyed.

Then take the SS Coventry, NCA-2034-A,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
Then take the SS Coventry, NCA-2034-A,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
Then take the SS Coventry, NCA-2034-A, dear Henry,
Take it and bugger off!

But...
The Coventry was destroyed by a freak tarrion interphasic
plasma storm,
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
The Coventry was destroyed by a freak tarrion interphasic-

All right, shut up, I get the picture.
Then take the Time Displacement Device and go through the
Space/Time Continuum,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
Then take the Time Displacement Device and go through the
Space/Time Continuum,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
Then take the Time Displacement Device and go through the
Space/Time Continuum, dear Henry.
Just go!

Uhm...But...
There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
Dear Liza, dear Liza.
There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum, dear Liza,
A hole.

PREEEOOOWFUZZIZINT...*THUD*

What a senseless waste of human life,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
What a senseless waste of human life,
Dear Henry, dear Henry.
What a senseless waste of human life, dear Henry,
Burn in Hell.

There is no Hope

Platonic Friendship

Joelogon's Foolproof Guide to Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend

Congratulations! You've got a new life-long friend!

NOTE: This guide examines so-called platonic friendships (that is, relationships of a purely non-sexual nature) between men and women. Specifically, it examines two closely related aspects of the platonic friendship:

1. The tendency of women to develop close friendships with their male acquaintances, thereby pre-emptively eliminating any possibility of a romantic relationship, the result of which is to remove the poor schmuck's heart and shred it.
   
2. The process by which attractive and otherwise eligible women, when faced by proffered declarations of romantic interest by a male acquaintance, destroy the ego and spirit of said acquaintance by declaring that they only want to be "friends."

For the purposes of this investigation, I will assumes that the women are indicating a genuine desire for a friendship-only relationship, and not employing a clumsy and transparent ruse to avoid an unwanted relationship (i.e. "blowing off," "dissing") -- such as a man would use. Furthermore, though there may be anecdotal evidence of such techniques being used by men on women, I believe that only women are able to inflict such great emotional damage with such an innocuous phrase as, "I just want to be friends," the result of which is such an artful and complete annihilation, leaving behind only a broken, whimpering husk, that there can be no doubt as to the cause.

This guide draws from my own personal experiences and the experiences of others on the receiving end of The Treatment. As such, it gets painfully repetitive; I welcome any inputs from other shattered males, and indeed, from the female perspective as well. I am particularly interested in sound bites and seething bitterness tinged with humor.

The Futile Fugue: Variations on a Theme

How many times has this happened to you?

The stories remain the same, from the first note you passed in grammar school, to the woman you met through a mutual friend in college:

• You meet a girl who is everything you ever wanted in a life-partner: attractive, funny, smart, great personality, laughs at your jokes, understands who you are as a human being, etc. You talk to her briefly, and find out that she is even more attractive now that you've spoken to her. You ask her out. She says to you:

"I just want to be friends"

• You meet someone: a neighbor, schoolmate, co-worker, in the same club, on the same bus. You become fast friends. One day, you realize that, in addition to being a close friend, this person is an attractive woman. You ask her out. She says to you:

"I don't want to risk our friendship"

• You meet a girl who you know could be the one. She makes your toes curl, your stomach knot, your mouth dry -- you become even more of a gibbering idiot then you usually are. You're so incapacitated in her presence that you can't ask her out. You decide that things will be better once you get to know her better, so you become friends. You become best friends -- so good, in fact, that you can't bring yourself to ask her out. Yet there is this nagging voice in the back of your mind that says you could be more than friends. You swear that you will tell her how you really feel. Right before you can do this, she tells you:

"I've met this really great guy"

Selecting your new Platonic Friend

It is very important that you choose your new platonic friend carefully . Whether she is a new acquaintance, or an old friend who you've just been awakened to, she should cause you to exhibit some of the following symptoms:

• hot sweats
• cold sweats
• nausea
• shaking
• difficulty sleeping
• unexplained euphoria or depression
• inability to construct coherent sentences
• distraction or preoccupation due to constant thinking about her
• biting of the tongue or lower lip to prevent blurting the words, "I love you!" in casual conversations with her

NOTE: Liquefaction of your internal organs is not necessarily a symptom of any condition caused by her, and in fact may indicate infection by the Ebola virus. See your physician if you are uncertain of your condition.

Cultivating your new Platonic Friend

Caring for a new platonic friend requires a lot of time, careful attention, and perseverance. However, you must resist temptations to devote too much attention to your platonic friend, as overly large expressions of affection can ruin a platonic friendship. Therefore, strive to nurse your platonic friendship as you would care for a good wood- fired pit barbeque:

"Low heat"

Too much enthusiasm can ruin a good platonic friendship...keep those fires low!

Example: don't feel obligated to follow her wherever she goes.

"Lots of smoke"

You must be prepared to keep your true feelings concealed. Always be ready to change the subject, and always have a few alibis on hand.

Example: she asks, "Have you been following me around?"

You respond: "What an odd coincidence. Speaking of following, have you been following professional basketball?"

"A little fire"

Like with any friends, you will have your differences with your new platonic friend. These are to be expected; don't be discouraged.

Example: she says, "I know you've been following me. Stop it!!! You're scaring me!!!"

You say, "I'm here if you need me."

"Tangy flavor"

It is important that your platonic friend not take you too seriously. To do this, and to prove the strength of your friendship, throw in a few friendly jibes, especially when you need to remind yourself of the distance you need to keep. Point out some of her more obvious character flaws, then say, "But I love you anyway" or "That's why I love you."

Example: She says, "You've been stalking me. I've gotten a restraining order and a gun."

You say:

• "Oh, right, like I really followed you into the girl's locker-room and camped outside your window all night. You've got a really high opinion of yourself, missy!"
• Or, "You're paranoid. That's why I love you."
• Or, "Oh, right, like you've really got a gun...aiiiiyyyyeeee!!! DON'T SHOOT!!"

"Extreme patience"

Not only is this a long-term project, but it also includes the ability to be on-call to respond to the inevitable personal crises.

Example: She calls you at 1:00 in the morning and says, "The guy I was seeing just dumped me."

You say, "I'll be right over with my sleeping bag and 4 days of iron rations."

Remember the mantra of the barbeque pit man: low and slow!

Do's and Don'ts of cultivating and maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a woman you would otherwise want to have a relationship with and quite possibly marry

• DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
• DO NOT actually attempt this.
• DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
• DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
• DO NOT ever actually give her the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why she does not pick up on them.)
• DO listen to all her problems with men: No matter how many times you have heard her make these same mistakes (with other men), DO NOT get so entranced by her soft, full lips that you lean forward and kiss her. (Fantasize about it instead.)
• DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
• DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
• DO commiserate with your close guy friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.
• DO NOT confide in any of your female friends, because:
  1. They won't understand.
  2. They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
  3. They'll think you are talking about them.
  4. They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men.
• DO get drunk and maudlin about her
• DO NOT get drunk and confront her
• If you do reveal your true feelings to her while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
• DO say how it would be such a big mistake if you were to get together with her.
• DO joke about it afterwards.
• DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for her for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
• DO NOT consciously avoid her for the next two weeks (avoid her unconsciously).
• DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
• DO promise that you will change, that things will be different
• DO NOT actually change.
• DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
• DO NOT pretend you are kissing her when you lick the envelope.
• DO vacillate between fearing that she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she does.
• DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
• DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)
• DO become trapped in a shallow, meaningless, lifeless relationship.
• DO NOT actually seek out a secure, quality, lasting relationship, as this would interfere with your fantasizing about her
• DO complain bitterly about this awful relationship to all your friends and to her.
• DO create a web page that is vague enough to be relevant to the masses, yet specific enough so that the one, special platonic friend you've been carrying a torch for reads it, comes to her senses, and fulfills Fantasy #4

To add your comments, mail to
joelogon@phantom.com
http://www.mindvox.com/~joelogon

This page was last modified August 2, 1995. This page was conceived and brought forth, fully formed, on this day, June 7, 1995. Last modified February 8, 1996.

Copyright (c) Joe Loong, 1996. All rights reserved.